What Should Have Been (But Wasn't)
by xShiroi-chan
Summary: Maruka Tumblr Prompt Fill!: angst!prompt - break up "Makoto hates being lied to. Haruka doesn't like being told what to do. Featuring: Disappointed!Makoto" Because nothing lasts forever. Or maybe they should never have tried. Featuring Haruka and Makoto's broken relationship, and Rin and Haru's physical one. Two-shot. Future!Fic. Not ES compliant.
1. Makoto

I wrote the first part of this last year when I was highly emotional, and left it rotting in my hard drive. Found it again today and just decided: oh what the heck lets finish this.

This is non-ES compliant because there's no Sousuke (obviously) and I haven't had the time to really watch Free!ES yet, which is really sad but studies and graduation have to come first.

**Warnings:** breakdown!Makoto, unfaithful!Haru, weird grammar choices (I question my state of mind... really) and lack of beta (this is all word puke, trust me.)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Free! Iwatobi Swimming Club or Free! Eternal Summer, they belong to Kyoto Animation. High Speed! and High Speed!2 belong to Ooji Kouji.

**Note:** This was cross-posted from Ao3! The formatting there is much better *grumbles* FANFICTION WHY.

* * *

Makoto didn't know where they went wrong. Maybe it was him, maybe it was Haru…

Or maybe it was Rin.

And it's illogical, since Makoto never thought he'd see the day his and Haru's relationship break apart – it never crossed his mind. He was sure it never crossed Haru's either. Long before this charade started, he and Haru were at one point best friends, having made a silent promise that they never overstep that boundary to anything else lying beyond.

He can no longer even remember who broke that promise first. It might have been him, or it might have been Haru. What he does remember – and know – clearly, is the fact that they started going backwards, becoming distant from each other, further and further away.

It wasn't in a physical manner, since they still attended the same university and they still ate lunch with Nagisa, Rei and Rin together while Makoto tried to keep up his usual caring and happy façade. But Makoto could tell that Haruka's attention was never on him anymore. Something had changed along the lines, and if Rin's constant staring at Haruka wasn't any indication, Makoto honestly didn't know what could make it more obvious.

He didn't hate Haruka for being distant with him and making him interpret his actions and looks. He'd been doing that for more than a decade after all, and he knew Haruka better than anyone – he was sure it applied to even Haruka himself, not to mention _Rin_. He could never hate Haru.

However, knowing that Haru was blatantly hiding something from him was disturbing, to say the least. Although Haruka was difficult to read to people who don't know him, Makoto _knew_ Haruka, better than what Haruka himself was comfortable with sometimes – to Haruka it was both worrying and comforting at the same time, he had once admitted to Makoto – so Makoto also naturally know how to read Haruka's signs. The other had never tried to hide anything from Makoto up until now – there was no use in doing that since Makoto could read him like an open book anyways.

He'd be off happier not knowing – or acknowledging – the signs of Haruka hiding something from him. And knowing that Rin – of all people It just has to be him, it's _always him_ – had something to do with it tore him apart even more.

To be honest, Makoto could not pinpoint a specific point in time where things started going downhill. It may have been during their first year of university – he didn't understand why Rin was attending a university when he should be dream chasing to get his desired Olympics medals anyways, but that didn't make much sense to Makoto either because he and Haru were happy.

_Or,_ he thought bitterly, looking at Rin staring at Haruka, _maybe that's when things really started spiraling out of control._

Haru himself was poking his grilled mackerel with his chopsticks, seemingly uninterested in anything else, but Makoto knew better. Between Nagisa and Rei's daily bickering, Rin's bored replies every once in a while and his own – now fake, nothing more than a mask – smiles, Haruka's nonchalant attitude stood out to him more than anything else, and it _hurts_. More so than Makoto forcing himself to put on a smile just to face Haru everyday.

He knew, Haru still cared for him. But it was no longer like before. They were no longer intimate.

Makoto liked it better when they were younger, when Haru still held his hand in a reassuring grip, telling him not with words but with actions that scream _I'm here, I'll always be,_ offering Makoto comfort at his lowest.

Nowadays, when Haruka held his hand, it's as tight, but it didn't feel right to Makoto any longer. It felt like Haruka was going to break away from him at any second and Makoto will be very much left alone.

Which was ironic, really, since two years ago _Haruka_ was the one who didn't want to be left alone.

And now, Haruka is leaving him for the very same person who had left him behind.

(For Haruka perhaps, it's always Rin. Just like how for Makoto, it's always Haruka.)

* * *

"Ne, ne, Mako-chan! Don't you agree with me?" Nagisa's question interrupted his thoughts – and Makoto was glad for that, he didn't want to go around hating Rin now, although the redhead may be the reason for his and Haru's growing distance, but Rin was still his friend.

"Hm? Sorry?" He blinked, and saw both Rei and Nagisa staring at him with such ferocity he recoiled a bit towards Haruka's side.

"Mako-chan, you weren't listening were you?" The blonde pouted, and Makoto blinked, looking at Haruka for help. The other was still staring at his half-eaten lunch, but Makoto could pick out words like "mackerel", "_karaage_", "cutlet" and "better".

Oh, oh. So that was what Nagisa and Rei were quarreling about. He laughed sheepishly.

"I think they are all quite good, it depends on the occasion." Nagisa visibly deflated and Rei frowned and sighed.

"Makoto-senpai is way too nice." He remarked, and Makoto could not offer more than a small smile in reply to his statement.

_If I'm 'way too nice', why won't Haru just turn his attention towards me..?_

He immediately stopped that train of thought and nudged his boyfriend – could they really continue to call each other that at this point? – gently, noticing a flash of jealousy in Rin's eyes as he did that, and informing him that they had class to get to.

Haruka simply nodded and started packing up the leftovers of his lunch. Offering a wordless nod to Nagisa's – and Rei's, because Nagisa forced him to – cheerful farewell, Makoto did not miss the way Haruka met Rin's eyes. It was only for a fraction of a second, but what was scary for Makoto was that in that split-second, he _couldn't read Haruka_.

It was exactly what he had feared, that one day Haru'd be far away from him, that one day they didn't understand each other enough anymore to be able to read each other as well as they did when they were younger.

_Maybe we're… maybe _I'm_ doing this wrong,_ he thought as he gathered his books and closed his locker – with a bit more force than what was really necessary – maybe, just maybe…

Maybe it's time to actually talk to Haruka face to face and force the other to speak. He didn't want to do that because he knew how uncomfortable Haru was when it came to expressing himself in words, but Makoto wanted – he _needed_ – answers and no one was going to offer it to him other than Haruka himself.

Separating in the hallway of their campus, Haruka offered him a nod and a squeeze of his hand before walking into his next class. They wouldn't see each other until after their classes ended for the day, although Makoto wanted answers now, he didn't want to make a scene in the middle of the campus where everyone could see. It'd just make Haruka clamp up even more and Makoto needed him to be relaxed.

So he'd wait. He'd waited almost ten years to be this close – well, no longer very close, really – to Haru, it couldn't hurt to wait for half a day more.

* * *

It seems that fate is being especially cruel to him. Makoto snorted at himself, feeling a bitter smile plaster itself on his face and refuse to leave. It's painful. Not just to smile but his heart is clenching and contorting in pain so excruciating, he didn't think Haruka could have made it any worse.

When he'd gone to Haruka's classroom to pick his boyfriend – it's such a mocking term now – up after class, he saw the person he'd expected.

As well as someone he did not.

_Rin. _

Makoto had tensed up, because Rin and Haruka were being unnaturally close to each other. And he had snuck closer to watch, only to hear something he completely hadn't expected.

"When are you going to break it off with him?" Makoto heard Rin first, before tensing as he realised that Rin was talking about him.

A pause, and Haruka gave a tentative reply. "It's… not that simple, Rin. I love him, but I - "

"So you don't love me? Then what is this," he watched as Rin gestured between the two of them, "for?"

"I love you too but it's complicated, damn it Rin!" Makoto hasn't heard this magnitude of emotions from Haru-chan in a long time, and while it made him happy that Haruka was still capable of loving Makoto – even when Makoto knew it's different from how couples loved each other but he's trying to not think about that – it hurt like no other that Haruka has admitted to loving Rin as well.

He really should've seen this coming. He had looked on in disappointment and despair as Rin pushed Haruka back onto the table and proceeded to smother – it looked like that to Makoto, at the very least – Haruka with kisses.

And what made him anguish was the fact that Haruka responded to those forceful kisses with an equal fervor.

Makoto had forced his eyes shut and fled immediately after because he could not bear to stay there. Emotions rushing through him like the waves of the ocean he hated and feared so much; waves of disappointment, anguish, and most of all – betrayal.

He tried to forget what he saw, but even when his eyes were closed he could see that scene replaying in his head over and over. Obviously he did not see the spiraling progress between his two friends – for maybe Haruka was just a best friend and nothing more and he could no longer determine just where he and Rin really stood in terms of their relationship – and his dash had led him to probably the second most painful place – anywhere but where Haru is right now – to be at that moment.

The pool.

Which led him to his current situation. He sucked in a breath, and hated the way it came out like a desperate and weak gasp. Reality finally catching up to him, feeling weak and overwhelmed by the fact that he had just seen Haruka – his Haru-chan no longer – cheating on him with Rin of all people, his knees gave out mercilessly.

He heaved another breath that sounded like a dry sob, for Makoto did not cry – perhaps if it were someone else he would've shed tears but this was Haru and so the pain went so much deeper than that crying simply didn't suffice – because somewhere in him he knows, he always knew, that Rin would one day replace Makoto's current position in Haru's heart.

Maybe Makoto just wasn't cut out for that position in the first place. Maybe he and Haruka were both fools for trying.

But Makoto had believed. He had tried to hope so badly that perhaps he and Haru-chan – _Haruka_, he didn't think he could even stand to refer to the other by his endearment right now – could be something.

Or, they could have been.

But they weren't.

He didn't know how long he spend, just kneeling by the poolside, palms pushing against the rough edges of the tiles so harshly he thought they were going to bleed or at least leave permanent marks.

Just like his heart.

* * *

Haru–_Haruka_ was there in their shared dorm room when he returned. Makoto honestly didn't know how he hadn't spot it before – the other's eyes were now distant, probably have been for a long time.

The other had apparently just finished a shower – probably to cover up evidence of his activities with Rin – and was drying his hair when Makoto entered, closing the door with a soft click.

Blue eyes gave his messy hair and disheveled appearance a once over, and met his dull green. The owners of said – beautiful – eyes tensed, and Makoto wondered if Haruka finally realised that there is no hiding anything any longer because Makoto _knows_.

They were both silent.

The air was never this tense between the two of them. It made Makoto even more desperate because things were never like this.

It's all Rin's fault, Makoto could hear something in him insist, but logic snubbed that thought immediately. It's Haruka's, too.

_It could even be mine. I shouldn't have hoped for all this in the first place._

Haruka broke the silence first. "So, where were you? I was looking for you."

He couldn't stop the uplift of a corner of his lips, and he thinks about how sardonic he must look right now.

"You weren't."

"Excuse me?" Just like Haruka to run from what's in front of him.

"You were with Rin." He paused, and then continued carefully. "I saw you two."

There's the silence again, accompanied by a sharp stillness that was extremely painful.

This admission will change everything, he mused, but isn't everything already off status quo from the start?

"Oh." Haruka replied, and looked away from him, biting his lips. His hands fell to his side, clenching and unclenching.

Makoto simply found all these excruciating to watch.

"We should stop this, Haruka." He watched as the shorter male tensed at those words.

"What?"

"I mean, let's break up."

And those were the words that sealed their fate.

Haruka didn't understand how things became this way. Makoto was supposed to be the love of his life – after all, hadn't the other stuck with him through _everything_? – and they were supposed to be happy.

But, for some reason, they weren't.

_I know you still love me, but we can't escape the fact that I'm not enough for you._

* * *

There will be a Haruka side (because I feel the need to justify his actions so that you guys don't hate him too much), he has a reason alright? Please don't hate him (or me) for making poor Makoto suffer.

I'm not sure when I'm going to finish the Haruka chapter but it's probably not any time soon. I haven't even had the time to watch Eternal Summer... and the amount of prompts I have for Free! is amazing...

Expect it (and any revision of this chapter) in december, when I'm done with my IB final exams. Wish me luck!

P.S. The quote is an edit from Haruki Murakami's _South of the Border, West of the Sun_. For those who read the book, you'll know that the original wording is "I think", but we all know that Makoto knows Haruka better than that. So I just had to butcher sensei's words.


	2. Haruka

**Disclaimer:** I disclaim. Sadly.

Cross-posted from Ao3. I'm surprised at the difference in reception from here and Ao3 but oh well. If you want an explanation on why I chose to end the story like this (or what headcanon I had for Haruka's characterisation) you can visit the Ao3 page for this story (id 2146473) or you can search for xshiroi_aki on Ao3. Hur.

Congrats to myself for surviving IB. (lolwut) Btw can anyone spot the paraphrase of a quote from a novel in here?

* * *

Haruka didn't understand how things became this way. Makoto was supposed to be the love of his life – after all, hadn't the other stuck with him through _everything_? – and they were supposed to be happy.

But, for some reason, they _weren't_.

He didn't understand why either, only that he felt that it was never enough with Makoto. Kind, sweet Makoto who was – _too_ – understanding, patient Makoto who put up with all the weird… quirks Haruka has.

Like his tendencies to be tempted by anything water and mackerel.

Because Makoto always put up with all that makes Haruka extremely unbearable to be around, not to mention potential dating material.

But, again, for some unexplainable reason, Haruka felt like it wasn't enough. It was like Makoto was part of a puzzle that fit, just that he never completed Haru.

And then Rin came into his life.

Just to be honest, Haru has never disliked anyone more than he had disliked Rin at first sight. That ball of hyper, overly cheerful smiles just barged into his life one day, walking through that classroom door and introducing himself with such ease that made him jealous.

Haruka was sure that Rin did not open only one door that day; he had forced his way into Haruka's heart too.

It wasn't a startling discovery by chance or fate or _anything_ , because as much as Rin's departure and his rejection back in middle school _hurt_, Haruka never saw the other as something more than a friend – because it would definitely have hurt more if it had been Makoto.

A year after Rin's return, Haruka could no longer say the same.

The when's, why's and how's were unclear, even to Haruka himself, but slowly – though surely – Rin began to complete the other part of him, where Makoto has failed.

And now, Haru just _doesn't understand_.

(What happened, and what to do.)

* * *

It was at the newly opened Iwatobi Swimming Club, where Rin had said those – _cursed_ –words.

Rin's confession had been unexpected, but not entirely badly received. In fact, Haruka's heart had felt like it had literally been filled up with fireworks and the unique spark that he always saw in Rin's eyes when Rin had said those words to him.

_"I love you."_

But Haruka hadn't been able to reply. How could he, when he already had a significant other?

Rin – blessed, _blessed_ Rin – saw what Haruka tried to convey without words and hastily continued.

"I know you're with Makoto, but I just wanted to let you know, because dang it, Haru, I mean, heck, I hope this wouldn't affect our friendship between us. You, me, and Makoto."

Haruka didn't know what to say to that. Rin had winced at his non-reply silence, but continued gripping onto his shoulders tightly to stare at him. It was Sasabe's entrance – he'd come to chase them away – that saved Haru from giving the other any form of a reply at all.

After Rin had left him alone – albeit reluctantly, but Haruka wasn't complaining as long as he could put some space between them – Haruka didn't return home as he was expected to.

(Makoto would've been worried, but Ren had been down with a bad fever that day.)

_The moon was up._

_It was only when the first petals fell onto his head did he snap out of his daze to stare at his surroundings, the moonlight almost dazzling him in the process. He winced at the sharp glare of the light, blinking a few times to clear his visions of white spots. Dancing petals of gentle pink filled his vision when it cleared, and it was then he realised that he was staring at a very familiar tree._

_He pursed his lips, before blinking and wondering what expression he had on right now._

_How poetic._

_'To be back at such a place…' He felt one corner of his lips twitch upwards, but was sure it couldn't be called a smile._

_Slowly, he brought his hand up to catch some of the fluttering petals, they flickered a pale pink when he looked at them, three stray petals, fallen from the fragile and short-lived flowers. He closed his hands into a fist, and opened them. They were no longer the fleeting beauty he had seen before._

_All he had now in his palms were crushed bits of the once-graceful forms. Destroyed so easily._

_He vaguely wondered what the whole point of this was. He didn't believe in fate, and he wasn't going to start now, but he does believe that he was led back here for a reason._

_It's where everything had started, after all._

_Above him, he saw the moon disappear under the arriving clouds. No, he felt more than saw, the transient, silvery warmth fading away slowly, because he was too busy staring at the things that were broken and torn –_

Sakura are beautiful things, reflected Haru. Too bad they feed on the blood of the dead in order to bloom. Deadly, beautiful things.

How fitting, since the most desirable things in life are usually denied to you.

_Rin was staring at him with a frown on his face now. It made him feel self-conscious, but he was not going to back down._

_He'd made his decision._

_"Haru…" Rin's voice was gentle and patient, as if he was a petulant little child who doesn't understand the consequences of his actions. "Do you even know what you're talking about?" What he was asking for?_

_Rin was correct. He didn't. Or rather, he's just not letting himself think about it. He didn't want to think about it._

_That doesn't stop him from wanting what Rin could potentially give him anyways._

_(Because he was sick and tired of being lonely and he just wants to be whole again after everyone has abandoned him and Makoto was just not enough and he –)_

_But he persisted. With pursed lips he replied._

_"Yes, yes I do."_

_"Haru, you can't ask me to do this. It's not fair to you nor Makoto."_

_He had stopped listening by then and pulled Rin down. The instant their lips connected, he felt his world shift and click, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle._

_A solid weight slid forms in him, pulling him away, away from his aimless wandering, floating, pulling him down back to earth where he can feel alive again._

_Nanase Haruka felt, for the first time in his life, _complete_._

He'd never let himself think about whether he regretted it or not, and he tried not to let Makoto's gradually fading brilliance and Rin's increasing frustration at the situation bother him.

Haruka thought about his parents – his _grandmother_, even – and how they've abandoned him so simply, in the instances that he does let them get to him, and everything suddenly feels better.

* * *

_Something is going to happen today. Something big. He poked at his mackerel bento, trying to mask his growing agitation._

_There was a certain disturbance in the atmosphere, and he knew what this feeling was. He was, sadly, closely acquainted with it._

_It's the same foreboding, curled up feeling in your gut that is just waiting for the right moment to burst into a sickening bitterness that will burn through your veins rapidly._

_It will leave you stunned, and utterly destroyed._

_He'd felt it the first time Rin left him, he'd felt it the second time Rin left him, utterly crushed without hope. It's always a horrible feeling, one that made Haruka feel blank and empty and cold all over._

_It's not entirely the same this time, however. There was a subtle shift in the feeling that made it different from the first two times._

_He only looked up when Makoto nudged him – apparently, Nagisa and Rei had finally resolved their differences – and reminded him gently – oh, how his heart broke for him – that they had classes to get to._

_Meeting Rin's eyes for a split-second, he felt that subtle shifting spiral click in place with a growing sense of finality. And he knew that whatever was going to happen, had started._

_He could only hope it won't end in too much of a disaster._

And now, staring at the disheveled form of Makoto standing in front of him, looking desperate and crushed, Haruka didn't know what to do.

Makoto knew, was Haruka's first realization the moment he stepped into the dorm room.

He knows. About Rin.

Why did that hurt Haru so much?

Haru dreaded the moment he had to start a conversation with Makoto because he refused – didn't want to, was scared to – to lose Makoto like how he'd once lost Rin. But he knew Makoto knew and Haru could also tell that Makoto knows that Haru is entirely aware of his newly acquired knowledge.

"So, where were you? I was looking for you."

"You weren't."

"Excuse me?" _Stop it, Haruka. Just, _stop_. You don't want to hear what he has to say. Stop!_

"You were with Rin."

The silence that followed was painful, and Haruka felt himself slipping into a state of numbness. This feels familiar, it feels like that very time Rin declared right in his face with his cruel smirk that he was never going to swim with Haru again.

The awful, disgusting feeling began growing in his abdomen, and Haruka parted his lips in a pathetic attempt to take in more oxygen to get rid of it.

"Oh." What could he say?

Nothing, really.

"We should stop this, Haruka." He tensed at hearing his name fall from Makoto's lips, sucking in a breath and clutched his elbow tightly. The pain was almost enough to distract from the hideous build-up, _almost_.

"What?"

"I mean, let's break up."

All of a sudden, the build-up just stopped, and Haruka heard something shatter in the distance.

* * *

The silence had continued for a good ten minutes, with Makoto staring at Haruka expectantly – of course he would, he'd assumed Haruka had an answer in agreement with his suggestion, when in reality he _didn't_ – and Haruka looking down at the floor, refusing to meet his eyes and see the sadness which he knew would be present.

Makoto had then walked out when Haruka refused to speak.

Blue eyes closed, relishing the feeling of cool water raining down his back. Haru pressed his forehead against the white tiles of the shower, clenching his hands, trying so hard to piece the parts of himself that Makoto broke back together.

Rin, Makoto, _Rin_ and _Makoto_. They were his pillars, they formed whatever was holding him down, reminding him that he is alive, that he is needed, that he is loved.

He couldn't make do without Rin, he can't make do with Makoto either. He needed them both. He don't know how to make Makoto – how to make any of them, really – understand. He didn't think he himself understands what he's doing, just that he needed both of them to _survive_ –

It felt like he was running out of air.

It felt like he was _drowning_.

Gasping, Haruka threw his head back and heaved in large breaths of air. Air that contained his beloved, beloved water. He relished the feeling of the shower spraying the cool liquid against his skin. Fingers left the cold surface of the bathroom tiles as he reached up to clutch at his throat. He trembled.

Makoto can't leave.

He can't.

Haruka would not let it happen.

_I don't want this, Makoto, please –_

A torrent of memories flooded his mind and he continued trembling –

_The utter despair in the once-bright green eyes…_

_"Haru-chan, I love you."…_

_The way his heart started to beat faster when those same bright pair of eyes curved into an upside-down U-shape in happiness…_

_The time Rin confessed to him…_

_How Haru never thought of him when he was with Rin…_

– it stopped.

_I…see…_ And it hit him so hard it was painful. Haruka slid slowly onto the shower floor, his back leaning against the ruthlessly cold ceramic.

There is no place for selfishness in his life. He didn't possess any rights for that.

Nanase Haruka was doomed to destroy all – whatever little – he had with his wretched selfishness.

Somehow, that realization placates the roaring demon within him and puts it to rest finally. It's as if it had finally been muzzled, restraint and put down forcefully. He curled into his knees and hugged them closer, letting out a sigh that sounded like a choked sob – for all that he's lost – a forlorn wish – for all that he's not allowed to have – and a reprieve – for what? The realization he has finally reached?

A harsh bark of air startled him out of his thoughts, and he was surprised to hear that it came from _him_.

He remembered that night spent under the blooming sakura tree, the sakura petals, and how it had been _so easy_ to crush them. How it had been_Haruka_ who had done so that night.

It's all Haruka. At the end of everything, it had been Haruka's fault all along.

For some reason, that epiphany does not cause him any distress, but he wished – he so dearly wished – that he could've made do with one of them instead of wanting both. Even the loneliness he feels descending upon him – one which Makoto and Rin's presence in his life helps to chase away – scares him no more.

There was nothing left he could do. He didn't know what to say to Makoto, and he didn't know what to tell Rin – however guilty he felt for making the redhead feel bad about their relationship. He wasn't that much of a glutton for the punishment he'd brought readily upon himself.

So he merely watched the water flow.


End file.
